Just Send Him Your Money!

I’ve been hesitating writing about yet another in a seemingly endless supply of useless “audiophile accessories” but I just have to believe that this guy knows full well that every one of his products is completely fraudulent. He’s making stupid money from unsuspecting audiophile and I’m amazed.

There’s just something about his wording and artwork that gives the reader the “wink” of acknowledgement that he just wants to sucker you into sending him your money. And if you believe that the testimonials on the site are real, plenty of people and even magazine writers are contributing to this fraud.

Figure 1 – The image used on the Teleportation Tweak product page.

How else would a reasonable person pay $60 for a phone call?

Yep…that’s what you get for your money. Geoff Kait calls you on the phone and the result is that the sound and video of any equipment you have in your home will undergo profound improvement. According to the site, your media will be clearer, contain more information, greater frequency extension and lower distortion. You can experience these improvements using a landline or cell, from any room in your house and even at distances “greater than 10,000 miles”.

“The Teleportation Tweak is a phenomenal invention discovered and developed by Machina Dynamica for improving audio and video systems remotely over long distances. The fundamental principles of operation of The Teleportation Tweak are quantum teleportation and mind-matter interaction.” Of course, the theory and operational details of this exciting discovery are the proprietary property of the company.

This has got to be one of the most brilliant tweaks imaginable. This snake oil salesman gets you spend $60 on his “Long-Distance Audio and Video System Enhancement” elixir, which is “The Only Audio Product that doesn’t Require Shipping”.

Whoa there, Geoff. I’m going to have to dispute that last claim. I’m pretty confident that my downloadable HD-Audio files don’t require any shipping and will actually result in a better listening experience than getting a phone call from you. And I’m giving these samples away for free.

Geoff Kait’s credentials take up a substantial portion of the page promoting the Teleportation Tweak. However, I’m not sure how having a background in aerospace engineering with a specialization in “theoretical fluid dynamics and propulsion, statistical thermodynamics, nuclear physics, indeterminate structures” makes him competent in the discipline of audio engineering.

I’m sure you’re as impressed as I am that his undergrad thesis has twenty-one words in the title (“Preliminary design of low-thrust engine for interplanetary travel utilizing momentum transfer mechanisms in highly magnetic metal crystal bombarded by high-energy ions”). Does anyone else feel that he’s trying just a little too hard to blind us with science?

Other amazing products that he has invented include: “Nimbus Sub-Hertz Isolation Platform, Promethean Base, Baby Promethean Mini Isolators, Brilliant Pebbles, Tru-Tone Duplex Covers, Codename Turquoise II CD Tray Masking Kit, Codename Top Banana II Blu Ray Tray Masking Kit, the Teleportation Tweak, Clever Little Clock, Codename White Poppy, Codename Blue Meanies, Frog Jump in Water Tweak, The Super Intelligent Chip, the Diamond Light Crystal High Frequency Clarifier, Spectrum Purifier CD Coloring System, Blu Spectrum Purifier Blu Ray Coloring System, Flying Saucers for Windows, Flying Saucers for Wall Outlets, Pretzel Logic Reef Knot Device, Dark Matter CD Optical Coating and the Ultra Signature Version of the Clever Little Clock.”

I looked up the word “Sub-Hertz” and came up with nothing but a bunch of subwoofer speakers. You would think that a highly trained scientist/engineer would know the right words to describe subsonics.

This guy is living the dream. Every product that he offers through his website is an expensive hoax designed to pull dollars out of your pocket and make him some free money…lots of free money if you check out the prices.

So Happy New Year…the Teleportation Tweak is the first 2014 winner of the “Tweaky Award”. I will make sure to send out the award as soon as the statuettes come back from the manufacturer…it’s a gold plated Green Magic Marker in honor of one of the earliest audiophile accessories.

And yes, the Teleportation Tweak comes with a 30-day money back guarantee…whew! I thought for a second there I was dealing with a shyster.